7 tips for fighting about money

When my husband and I were engaged, we heard from experts that the top reasons couples fight are: Time, Sex, and Money - in no particular order.  I don't think we've ever fought about sex, we rarely fight about how we spend our time, and we only fight about money ....  mmmm.... when we talk about it.

That's right, we fight about money. Well, we specifically fight about budgeting. We bicker about how line items should be tallied, which boxes they should be put into, and what the actual limit for restaurant spending should be (for example) and we fight about what counts as restaurant spending, and who is going to set that limit (ie, be the bad guy).

This week, we made our Money Manager on USAA as complete as it can be by importing all of the other credit cards we have, and getting all financial information in one place. The problem is, we both have a USAA account, and we both had to independently set up the Money Manager on our separate accounts. This would seem like an extra hassle to a family that is unified in budgeting, or where just one spouse is in charge of it. For us, it helps create small separate budgeting paradises.

We set up mine, then we set up his.  I was explaining to my sweet husband how it worked, but he let me know that I had already explained it to him a few weeks ago. I tried to tell him how I categorized certain spending, and he let me know he would do it his own way. We looked at the Spending Tracker. I told him about the limits I had set, he said he would set his own.  This was the nature of the evening budget review, and the nature of our bickering.  I have a feeling that he's going to hate that I shared this  for the world to see, but I disagree.

We have definitely disagreed when talking about money.  I'm here to say that if you and your spouse disagree about money IT IS O.K. It IS one of the top trouble causers in marriages, so if it causes trouble for you, then, congratulations!, it is normal. 

Sometimes it is easier to get defensive, angry and fight than it is to talk about money, change our spending behavior, and fix our problems.  When we are fighting, we are taking the easy way out.  The easy way now can lead to a rough road later.  When it comes down to it, fighting about money is silly. It doesn't mean we don't do it, it just means it isn't productive.

Acting like this

won't fix this.

If you google "fighting about money" everyone has tips for you.  I'm sure all of their tips are good, maybe even useful, but here are ours. 

1. Be committed to loving each other. If you love each other, it is ok to hate the problem. You can work together to defeat a common enemy (spending, not saving, debt).  Loving each other and destroying your enemies together can deepen your love and strengthen your relationship. 

2. Set aside time to talk about money.  That way, you can come "armed" with information and there is no "ambush"  You can also make sure that you've eaten and are well rested. 

3. Don't talk about money (or time or sex or anything else that you would get upset about) when you are hungry or tired. You are more likely to be sensitive and act defensive.  

4.  You may not be fighting about differences, sometimes you are fighting because you want to be heard.   If you are both saying the same thing in a different way, and both insisting that you are right, and getting upset about it, maybe you both are right.  Maybe you both have a good idea, and understand the issue, but understand it in a different way.  It helps to use phrases that indicate you are listening and understand the other person such as, "I heard you say that we (spent too much money, need to save for college) and your solution is (blankety blank).  I agree that (spending too much money, saving for college) is important, I understand that your solution is (blankety blank), It is a good idea. I also have an idea, would you like to hear it?"  And then they can use those types of phrases back to you.

5.  Looking at a problem and seeing different solutions can be a strength to solving your problems and making compromises. It is ok to have differences in HOW you go about solving the problem, even if it means setting up two Money Managers, so you both can be "in control"

6. How you grew up around money affects how you feel about it now.  You may be getting upset at what you saw as a child, and the fear of having it repeated in your current situation. Assess whether this is true or not. Were your parents burdened by debt? Was one parent a big spender while the other one scrimped? Were both big spenders with no clue about budgeting? Was your childhood spent in wealth, but now you feel poor? Was your childhood poor, but now you have money and are afraid of being poor again? All of these types of feeling affect you when you deal with your own budget.  They aren't bad, but should be discussed between the couple. Decide if you are afraid of an actual situation with your budget, or a potential situation based on how you grew up.  Talk it out. Remember, you are committed to loving each other and defeating an enemy together, even if it is your past. 

7. Be aware of your behavior, feeling, attitudes and theirs too.  If you find yourselves fighting, you can always say, "hey, we are fighting. I'm getting upset, and I think you are upset too, let's shelf this (for a few hours, till tomorrow, till next weekend - note: be specific, running from money problems doesn't make them go away)." Then you can go have a snack, take a nap, or bond over something that doesn't make you upset, like how cute your kid is. If that fails, you can always try to have sex, unless of course, that's another thing you fight about.  

Snuggling releases a hormone called oxytocin which makes us happy.
What a nice way to end a tense discussion about budgeting!